2008 – End of May sometime

Yes. The smoke has cleared. Things have settled. As I said, all the girls seem to be fine with whatever in the world happened. Actually, one of the husbands came to me and said that we’re all friends and that he didn’t think I embarrassed myself and that no matter, we’re friends. Another husband gave me a big ole smile and said I shouldn’t feel bad because his old lady spent the next morning washing the side of their minivan from where she hurled all the way home. I’ve had a few beers since but kept it under a six pack! No more liquor for me. That’s what gets me in serious trouble.

As for the depression, self loathing, and all that other stuff, I will tell you that I’ve been on antidepressants since the whole Adam thing (circa 1995). The Adam situation happened during the same time as my parent’s divorce while I was living in Pensacola. I had all this repressed anger and frustration over things I couldn’t control so I took it out on the innocent, my coworkers and friends! When it got to the point that I was going to lose my job, I called my doctor for help and started taking antidepressants. HUGE HELP! I have to change meds periodically because they stop working. So just imagine what I’d be like without meds! I know therapy could work a lot of this out for me but I use the excuse of no time due to kids. I’m really scared to face all those demons and I don’t want someone telling me to never drink again. I know this is what all alcoholics say, but seriously, don’t think I’m a drunk. I’m sober way more than I’m drunk. 😀 Seriously. I’m not a lush. I’m saving that for when I’m 65 and can start smoking again.

And on that alcohol topic, why doesn’t “sweetness and good things” come pouring out of my mouth when I’m drinking? Why can’t I say things like, “Luke, you’re such a great dad.” or “I’m so thankful to have a husband that helps with the kids and loves to spend time with them.” No. What comes out is the (once again) repressed feelings of anger and resentment. Yipppeee! Now why is that?!??!

Let me address the Adam issue. It’s still a problem because of the fucking internet. I can find out just about anything and my curiosity sends me digging on a regular basis.  I wish I could be happy with what I had and move on but I don’t live well with unanswered questions.  So, I always think I’ll find an answer to my question…was it real or was I just another passing girl for him? If I could know the answer to that, I think I could move on.

On to the topic of alone time. I rarely miss Luke when he’s away. I’m so damn happy to have some “me” time that I don’t want it to end!! But after a while, I decide he needs to come back so he can help with the children. There’s no longing, heavy heart or pining away going on here. I guess that’s awful. I used to send notes tucked in Luke’s magazines when he traveled years ago so that he’d find them on the plane. Or I’d tuck a picture of me or me and the kids or just the kids in his suitcase for him to find. I didn’t get much reaction out of those so I quit doing it. Plus, the man has written a NOVEL but he’s never written me a love note. Only one scathing letter on Mother’s Day.


2008 – May 16th

Let me add some recent enlightenment to the recent events that transpired.

I’ve spoken to all “the girls” that were there the night of drinking and dancing. I spent two days feeling like I wanted to kill myself over all this and also thinking these girls didn’t want to speak to me anymore because I’d done something horribly inappropriate toward their husbands. Well, when I finally spoke to each of them individually, they were like, “What are you talking about?!?!? What did you do? I must have missed something.” So that tells me that they were either equally as drunk and blacked-out as I was OR what I did wasn’t really THAT bad. We’re talking about 4 other wives here. Luke also said that these are not “our friends” yet…they are merely acquaintances. I truly feel a couple of these women are now my long-term GOOD friends. Acquaintances, humph, part of the guilt trip, I think.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m horrified that I danced somehow in some suggestive manner in front of these men and touched their hair…which I DO remember. But I’m starting to think my husband’s jealous nature PLUS my black-out history = Luke’s opportunity to put a guilt trip on me. And it works every fucking time. My self esteem and self worth is quite fragile and I can be sent into a whirling spiral of depression with just a few words. So here I am. I hold the letter in my hand that he wrote me. I’m about to shred it because I can’t stand to ever read it again. He referred to me as “loose” and said my behavior was “appalling”.

Also, he said that I hit him and was verbally abusive to him. I can believe that part. Then he said he believes alcohol to be a “truth elixir” and thinks I have some deep seeded grievances with him that I’m not discussing. So, if he thinks alcohol is such a truth elixir, then I’m obviously a loose woman. Perhaps it’s all true. Fuck. I don’t know. I guess I’m just a fucking horrible person who tries to be outwardly nice.

I’m off to the shredder.

2008 – May 13th

I’m in a bad place mentally for so many reasons. I need to find a counselor, I guess. And since school’s about to be out, I guess I haul the kids in there with me. Yeah. Right.

1. I still get so depressed at certain times of the year. This is one of them. Happens May, July, and end of Sept. It comes and passes. All related to Adam’s death…old boyfriend from college.

2. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about the loss of passion in my marriage. It seems to still be there on my husband’s part. But I can’t find it. Most of the time, sex is just something I HAVE TO do. My “wifely duty”. And sometimes I just want to cry.

3. There’s been quite a bit of drinking going on for the last couple of years, on my part. Luke’s always been a two or three beer a day guy. A little self medicating I’m doing. An attempt to switch to a vodka cranberry girl was unsuccessful and ended abruptly after I fell into a wall and was told by Luke that I was a sloppy drunk when drinking vodka. Ummm, my dad was here but was asleep when that happened. I’ve had a couple more black-out episodes because I drank way too much. The most recent one was Saturday night. I’m told I embarrassed us in front of a group of our “new” friends. Now I want to live in a hole. Luke said if there’s one more episode, our marriage will not be in a “good place”. He’s worried and pissed. He said I became verbally abusive toward him and was putting him down in front of our friends. I don’t remember any of that. I also did some sort of dancing in front of the men that was not appropriate. All my girlfriends that were there say it was nothing.

I’m obviously not “prettying up” these stories as I tell you this. Take it as you will. Luke tells me he KNOWS that’s not who I am when I act like that based on my life but other people don’t know that and when they see me act A FOOL that’s who they think I am. Yikes. Should I quit drinking, yes. Based on my father’s past, yes. Will I? No. Can I limit myself? Maybe sometimes. But if I continue to drink, it will happen again. Why do I do it? First, you know… It’s fun when it all starts. It’s my opportunity to BREAK FREE of motherhood and home life for a few hours. And I need that so badly from time to time. Second, it numbs the hurting. It’ makes it all go away for a little while. The feelings of worthlessness, the feeling that I’m really a bad person on the inside and no one knows it.

If it weren’t for my kids, especially my daughter, I’m not sure where I’d be right now. Probably divorced. But a girl needs a mother. My son would do fine with his dad. He loves him more anyway. Girls need a mother for so many things. And for now, I’m a pretty good one to her. And I don’t want my kids to go back and forth between homes unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Do I want to get divorced? Not really. I know it’s no better on the single side. I also know it won’t be better with someone else…maybe initially blissful but it will end up like this eventually. Probably worse. Luke has so many good things about him but for some reason, the few bad things just FLASH at me constantly like a NEON SIGN.

I’m not much of a fighter. I’m a runner. When something happens, I just want to move away, run away, quit, exit.

Ok. So was that what you were expecting?!???! I suck at life.