2008 – May 13th

I’m in a bad place mentally for so many reasons. I need to find a counselor, I guess. And since school’s about to be out, I guess I haul the kids in there with me. Yeah. Right.

1. I still get so depressed at certain times of the year. This is one of them. Happens May, July, and end of Sept. It comes and passes. All related to Adam’s death…old boyfriend from college.

2. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about the loss of passion in my marriage. It seems to still be there on my husband’s part. But I can’t find it. Most of the time, sex is just something I HAVE TO do. My “wifely duty”. And sometimes I just want to cry.

3. There’s been quite a bit of drinking going on for the last couple of years, on my part. Luke’s always been a two or three beer a day guy. A little self medicating I’m doing. An attempt to switch to a vodka cranberry girl was unsuccessful and ended abruptly after I fell into a wall and was told by Luke that I was a sloppy drunk when drinking vodka. Ummm, my dad was here but was asleep when that happened. I’ve had a couple more black-out episodes because I drank way too much. The most recent one was Saturday night. I’m told I embarrassed us in front of a group of our “new” friends. Now I want to live in a hole. Luke said if there’s one more episode, our marriage will not be in a “good place”. He’s worried and pissed. He said I became verbally abusive toward him and was putting him down in front of our friends. I don’t remember any of that. I also did some sort of dancing in front of the men that was not appropriate. All my girlfriends that were there say it was nothing.

I’m obviously not “prettying up” these stories as I tell you this. Take it as you will. Luke tells me he KNOWS that’s not who I am when I act like that based on my life but other people don’t know that and when they see me act A FOOL that’s who they think I am. Yikes. Should I quit drinking, yes. Based on my father’s past, yes. Will I? No. Can I limit myself? Maybe sometimes. But if I continue to drink, it will happen again. Why do I do it? First, you know… It’s fun when it all starts. It’s my opportunity to BREAK FREE of motherhood and home life for a few hours. And I need that so badly from time to time. Second, it numbs the hurting. It’ makes it all go away for a little while. The feelings of worthlessness, the feeling that I’m really a bad person on the inside and no one knows it.

If it weren’t for my kids, especially my daughter, I’m not sure where I’d be right now. Probably divorced. But a girl needs a mother. My son would do fine with his dad. He loves him more anyway. Girls need a mother for so many things. And for now, I’m a pretty good one to her. And I don’t want my kids to go back and forth between homes unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Do I want to get divorced? Not really. I know it’s no better on the single side. I also know it won’t be better with someone else…maybe initially blissful but it will end up like this eventually. Probably worse. Luke has so many good things about him but for some reason, the few bad things just FLASH at me constantly like a NEON SIGN.

I’m not much of a fighter. I’m a runner. When something happens, I just want to move away, run away, quit, exit.

Ok. So was that what you were expecting?!???! I suck at life.


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