2008 – May 16th

Let me add some recent enlightenment to the recent events that transpired.

I’ve spoken to all “the girls” that were there the night of drinking and dancing. I spent two days feeling like I wanted to kill myself over all this and also thinking these girls didn’t want to speak to me anymore because I’d done something horribly inappropriate toward their husbands. Well, when I finally spoke to each of them individually, they were like, “What are you talking about?!?!? What did you do? I must have missed something.” So that tells me that they were either equally as drunk and blacked-out as I was OR what I did wasn’t really THAT bad. We’re talking about 4 other wives here. Luke also said that these are not “our friends” yet…they are merely acquaintances. I truly feel a couple of these women are now my long-term GOOD friends. Acquaintances, humph, part of the guilt trip, I think.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m horrified that I danced somehow in some suggestive manner in front of these men and touched their hair…which I DO remember. But I’m starting to think my husband’s jealous nature PLUS my black-out history = Luke’s opportunity to put a guilt trip on me. And it works every fucking time. My self esteem and self worth is quite fragile and I can be sent into a whirling spiral of depression with just a few words. So here I am. I hold the letter in my hand that he wrote me. I’m about to shred it because I can’t stand to ever read it again. He referred to me as “loose” and said my behavior was “appalling”.

Also, he said that I hit him and was verbally abusive to him. I can believe that part. Then he said he believes alcohol to be a “truth elixir” and thinks I have some deep seeded grievances with him that I’m not discussing. So, if he thinks alcohol is such a truth elixir, then I’m obviously a loose woman. Perhaps it’s all true. Fuck. I don’t know. I guess I’m just a fucking horrible person who tries to be outwardly nice.

I’m off to the shredder.


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