2008 – End of May sometime


Yes. The smoke has cleared. Things have settled. As I said, all the girls seem to be fine with whatever in the world happened. Actually, one of the husbands came to me and said that we’re all friends and that he didn’t think I embarrassed myself and that no matter, we’re friends. Another husband gave me a big ole smile and said I shouldn’t feel bad because his old lady spent the next morning washing the side of their minivan from where she hurled all the way home. I’ve had a few beers since but kept it under a six pack! No more liquor for me. That’s what gets me in serious trouble.

As for the depression, self loathing, and all that other stuff, I will tell you that I’ve been on antidepressants since the whole Adam thing (circa 1995). The Adam situation happened during the same time as my parent’s divorce while I was living in Pensacola. I had all this repressed anger and frustration over things I couldn’t control so I took it out on the innocent, my coworkers and friends! When it got to the point that I was going to lose my job, I called my doctor for help and started taking antidepressants. HUGE HELP! I have to change meds periodically because they stop working. So just imagine what I’d be like without meds! I know therapy could work a lot of this out for me but I use the excuse of no time due to kids. I’m really scared to face all those demons and I don’t want someone telling me to never drink again. I know this is what all alcoholics say, but seriously, don’t think I’m a drunk. I’m sober way more than I’m drunk. 😀 Seriously. I’m not a lush. I’m saving that for when I’m 65 and can start smoking again.

And on that alcohol topic, why doesn’t “sweetness and good things” come pouring out of my mouth when I’m drinking? Why can’t I say things like, “Luke, you’re such a great dad.” or “I’m so thankful to have a husband that helps with the kids and loves to spend time with them.” No. What comes out is the (once again) repressed feelings of anger and resentment. Yipppeee! Now why is that?!??!

Let me address the Adam issue. It’s still a problem because of the fucking internet. I can find out just about anything and my curiosity sends me digging on a regular basis.  I wish I could be happy with what I had and move on but I don’t live well with unanswered questions.  So, I always think I’ll find an answer to my question…was it real or was I just another passing girl for him? If I could know the answer to that, I think I could move on.

On to the topic of alone time. I rarely miss Luke when he’s away. I’m so damn happy to have some “me” time that I don’t want it to end!! But after a while, I decide he needs to come back so he can help with the children. There’s no longing, heavy heart or pining away going on here. I guess that’s awful. I used to send notes tucked in Luke’s magazines when he traveled years ago so that he’d find them on the plane. Or I’d tuck a picture of me or me and the kids or just the kids in his suitcase for him to find. I didn’t get much reaction out of those so I quit doing it. Plus, the man has written a NOVEL but he’s never written me a love note. Only one scathing letter on Mother’s Day.

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2 Comments

  1. Charlie said,

    March 17, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    I hope that you write more about this. There is stuff missing. You have me wanting more. That is a good thing. You are so funny with your dark humor.

  2. Susan said,

    March 10, 2012 at 5:47 am

    Keep fleshing it out…..there is really, really good raw material here. Charlie is right. Your dark humor is wonderful. Your hurts can be felt. Your writing is moving, D.


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