2010 – The EC Update

Well, it’s been a rainy baseball season so there have not been any practices since my last posting believe it or not. Last Thursday, I logged in to FB to find that my friend request to EC had (of course) been denied. It’s now back to the Add As A Friend button. No note, no nothing! Not at all surprising with my theory of his devout Christianity.

That being said, my husband comes home from work last week one day and starts telling a story of another medical rep he knows here in town. He said the guy’s name and I IMMEDIATELY recognized it as one of EC’s friends on his FB page. Yep. And my husband’s story goes into the fact that this rep guy is a devout Christian and home schools his children, all four of ’em. So, I’m guessing this fella and EC go to the same church. Don’t you figure??? Seems to be a bunch of folks over there with a bunch of kids!

What a small world! EEEEK!!! E-GAD! EC is friends with one of my husband’s co-worker friends! YIKES! **slowly backing away**

I’m laid up recuperating from the previous post surgery. I might be able to get in clothes and make it to a game this weekend, weather and health permitting. We’ll have to see. Just thought I would go ahead and throw this up since my brain cells are disappearing like bubbles these days post anesthesia and morphine.


2010 – My Hysterectomy and lessons for women having one

Let’s start this off from the very, very beginning. I’d been having problems with pelvic pain for years and every (female) doctor I’ve been to told me it was just how things are after having children. I bought that for many years, until I was having night sweats for 6 months, hot flashes, vertigo and my periods became quite irregular. It was time to seek help again. I decided I would pursue a GYN only physician instead of an OB doctor. OB doctors tend to be too busy to have time for my “problems”. In my research to find a GYN, I discovered most GYN docs are men…at least here anyway. I found one practice in particular that specialized in pelvic pain so I thought that would be a good start. The main doctor there was so overwhelmed with business, the practice was referring internally to another of their doctors that continues his regular small OB practice but specializes in pelvic pain also. I made my appointment and was able to get in within a matter of weeks.

On the first visit, the nurse took my vitals and a lengthy questionnaire I had completed for them at home. She also explained how the doctor would meet with me in his office WITH MY CLOTHES ON before doing the exam in another room after. That way (very smart), I’m not as scared, anxious, and nervous as I would be in the exam room. I like that. I do tend to pretty much clam up when I’m stripped naked, placed in a paper gown that opens in the front, put in an icy cold room on a table with my feet in stirrups on each side of me up by my hips, and I am given only a small paper sheet as my armour. That just does it every time for me. Go figure. I digress…

The nurse finished her portion and led me to his office where I sat at a small round conference table to await his arrival. Much to my surprise, Tom Cruise entered the room! Wearing a white lab coat! And his little name read… Oh GOD! This was MY doctor! Oh my GOD! Is it too late to leave yet?!??! Can I back out of this? Shit! I knew I was stuck so as he introduced himself, I shook his hand and introduced myself. **INTERJECTION** If you are a fella reading this, this is just about a girl’s WORST nightmare. The doctor is supposed to be a gray-haired old man that looks like somebody’s grandfather. Absolutely NOT someone in the least bit attractive. **END OF INTERJECTION** So, Dr. Tom Cruise is well trained at a caring but firm handshake, looking you in the eye, and responding to questions (no matter how stupid – and some WILL be stupid at this point because you are caught like a fucking deer in the headlights) with a response that puts you at ease and lets you know you have asked a good question that deserves an answer (even if it was STOOOOPID!) So although I was still embarrassed as HELL, I was feeling like he truly cared about my stooopid issues and wanted to help me. On to the exam room…. OH GOD!

Naked as a jay bird under my paper gown and sheet, Dr. Tom Cruise comes in accompanied by his nurse for the exam. He didn’t try to ask me a bunch of irrelevant questions about my kids sports and shit, like most doctors do right as they get that giant spotlight aimed directly at your good stuff.  He did what had to be done and kindly helped me sit up as discreetly as I could from such a position in an open-front paper gown and a tiny paper sheet. DONE! WHEW! He ordered me to have an ultrasound in the office and wanted to talk to me after.

No need for all the boring details of my fucked up organs here. As you well know, all this led to me having a laparoscopic hysterectomy (mostly partial but almost total).  Dr. Tom Cruise took the time to tell me what he found, what he thought should be done and gave me evidence to back it all up. His recommendation was a partial hysterectomy and he thought I should go home, talk it over with my husband, and let him know how I wanted to proceed. There were other options but none sounded very promising to me. Plus, I was ready to be done with Aunt Flo and send her packing once and for all.

LESSON#1: Ask for a RECENT photo of your doctor if that matters to you at all.

Almost a month later, I had my pre-surgery visit with his office and met with the nicest lady who explained how happy I would be after all this was over. Sweet lady about 60 years old. At that time, I chose to confide in her that my father died last June after a surgery and I’ve been a nervous wreck thinking about all this. She assured me that I was in the best of hands and had no need to worry but made note of my nervousness on my chart and asked that I also tell the pre-admit team for the hospital so the anesthesia doctor would know. And, being the kind lady she was, she said she had just the thing for me. She reached over into her file cabinet drawer and handed me a book called God’s Promises For Your Every Need. Damn it! I thought she was getting me a Valium or something! She didn’t know I was Agnostic. And it was very kind of her to think of me but God’s Promises didn’t do shit for my dad.

LESSON #2: If going to a devout Christian practice is going to be against your “grain”, you may want to investigate that as well. **This probably only applies if you are in the South.**

LESSON #3: Telling the nurses I was a nervous wreck will pay off later. Read on.

I arrive at the hospital on surgery day and of course, nothing runs quickly on surgery day. I’m left sitting, waiting, sweating, thinking, shaking my leg, wringing my hands until I get back to the holding room to prep for surgery. I met my nurse and answered a million questions about when I last ate, drank, pooed, etc. She started my lovely 1 inch diameter, pvc pipe IV. Then I met the anesthesia doctor. I love him. He had obviously read my NERVES section. Did I tell you that I love him?? He asked if I needed something to relax me. I paused and was unsure how to answer but then I said to myself, “Don’t be a fucking martyr! Take advantage of this situation while you can!” So I meekly told him, “I think so.” He winked at me and said he didn’t blame me and promptly returned with “good times” in a syringe and kindly injected it into my IV. I love him. Within seconds, I was much better. Dr. Tom Cruise then came in to talk about what we were doing there that day and mark my LEFT side although I didn’t really care as he held my hand tightly and assured me I would be fine. He then asked if he could pray with me. **INTERJECTION** My friends asked me what I was going to do if this happened. I explained that I don’t have any problems at all with other people praying for me or praying in general. God knows I need it. I just don’t think MINE work. And I was happy to have him pray if it made him feel better and by George, I want God in there with him as he cuts me open and removes my insides!! **END OF INTERJECTION** Dr. Tom Cruise said a very nice and to the point prayer asking God to guide his hands and be with him as he performed this surgery and to be with me and see to it I have a speedy recovery. Amen.

LESSON #4: If someone wants to pray for you, LET ‘EM! What the hell can it hurt?!??!

So the surgery was over after about an hour and a half and I was in my room with my new best friend, Morphine pump. I don’t recall being “high”, I just recall being so dad gum sleepy that I couldn’t hold my eyelids open. I slept and slept and slept. OH, also, the kind people at this hospital leave your catheter in until the day after surgery so you can relax and enjoy that Morphine pump at its fullest without having to worry about getting up to go to the bathroom and killing yourself stumbling! Now those are GOOD PEOPLE! The next day, they removed my catheter, removed my best friend Morphine pump, and gave me two Percocets to bring me back to reality, much against my will. But it wasn’t so bad. The worst part was the HUGE amount of gas in my body from the laparoscopic surgery. One last reassuring visit from Dr. Tom Cruise and I was on my way home.

I had done lots of talking with my husband about what all this would be like, the recovery time, how I wouldn’t be able to do ANYTHING for a week, no lifting, nada! He seemed to think it would all be alright. My step mother had been home with the kids and stayed one more night then was on her way Sunday afternoon.  Shortly after she was gone, I find my husband working out in the back yard while kids, not just mine but from all over the neighborhood, come and go from our house bugging the stew out of me. When he finally comes in, he has absolutely NO patience for them and seems completely overwhelmed by daily life. But yet, he still has time for a 40 minute relaxing shower, mind you. Here I am hobbling around doing the small things I can to make things work. Monday morning, I get my broken ass out of bed to help with getting the kids off to school (my husband never tried to stop me or said “Hey, I’ve got it!”). He had already made my daughter cry over a pair of fucking socks by the time I was up. Where was Dr. Tom Cruise??? I needed him! I needed him to hold my hand again and tell me it was ok and to go back to bed! I needed him to get my kids off to school! He should seriously consider starting a side line business charging his normal rate to come see about patients for two days after they return home! I would pay it! I would pay MORE!

LESSON #5: Have a long, long SERIOUS talk with your husband about the duties to be taken care of and if he is a big pussy or a self absorbed asshole like mine, CALL IN REINFORCEMENT TROOPS to handle the shit until you are well!!

I feel like I’ve been three rounds with Mike Tyson after he’s been instructed to only hit in the gut and that someone has removed nearly ALL my insides and I might cave in. I am thinking Dr. Tom Cruise might have put one of those LapBands on my stomach while he was in there! I am starving and want to eat so badly but when I eat even the smallest amount, I feel like my belly might burst open! I can’t even get a full breath yet because of the gas still trapped under my diaphragm. And I’m having a Morphine hangover that just won’t quit. I’m also pretty sure my hormones are all fucked up and wondering what the hell to do right now. I am quite certain it will all be worth it in the long run but keep all this in mind if you plan on having a hysterectomy ladies! Cause the dream is over when you leave the hospital and Dr. Tom Cruise is not coming for a house call.

P.S.  I did find a cute little “YES” written in purple marker on my left ovary area when I got home and looked at my deformed belly in the mirror.


This is merely a random post but this came to mind today as I was driving through my neighborhood.

Many houses down the street from us, there lives a man who frequently does yard work. Not uncommon. This particular man is probably about 50 years old. He obviously works out because his upper body is pretty muscular and big. I would know this because he always does his yard work with NO SHIRT on. Apparently, he shaves his chest, arms, etc. I guess he wants to show off his hard work at the gym as well. And that would be ok except he has a rather large GUT to work out so much! He obviously doesn’t realize how his gut looks; he thinks he’s some fine piece of EC. Whenever you drive by, he always makes extreme eye contact and continues to watch your car all the way down the street. He is now known around our house as Chesty McGutt.

Another neighbor down at the other end of the street is also a big believer in working out. She is at the neighborhood pool every single day during the summer and gets quite tan. She is so thin, lean, muscular and leathery that is is disturbing. She’s got a six pack of abs that any MAN would kill for. I swear, she must eat nothing but broiled chicken breasts and raw veggies. Anyway, I see her at the pool all summer long and at the elementary school almost every time I’m there. And she still refuses to make eye contact with me or be friendly and say hello. We even saw her family in Orange Beach last summer staying at the same condo…then again later at a restaurant. I’ve discovered she’s a doctor’s wife. I guess she thinks that makes her better than the rest of us alcoholic stay at home moms. I’ve named her Boney Maroney.

But what made that come to mind… Boney Maroney’s house is for sale! I guess her husband’s residency must be complete. Now they can move to a more “upper crust” neighborhood away from us riff raff.

2010 – March 20

I wish I had something worthy to tell! I’ve just returned from a family vacation to Cashiers, NC. Our last couple of baseball practices were rained out. And according to the weather forecast, tomorrow’s may be rained out as well. From some emails we have received from EC’s wife, the team mom. they are out of town as well. We are finishing up our Spring Break week here. And this town has been desolate! But back to the matter at hand…it appears EC and family are out of town until tomorrow and won’t make practice. They should be at the next practice on Thursday. I will plan to attend that one and see what happens then. I am scheduled for a surgery on Friday morning at 6am….so that means I will have to be at the hospital at 4:30am on Friday morning. That will put me in a recovery state for two weeks. I don’t plan to follow the rules and stay home for the complete two weeks. I mean, you do realize I am a rule breaker, right??? Nonetheless, I will miss the first baseball game on Friday March 26th. I am calming down a bit and just taking what comes my way…but thus far, an acceptance to my friend request has NOT come my way.

On our way out of town, I checked the mailbox. There was a letter from the attorney handling my mother’s estate. I was expecting it would close soon and indeed it will. I now have the final forms to sign to admit the closing of the estate to the court. Kind of a sad mile marker. It’s really harsh to see it all written out in black and white…the finalization of it all. It seems like just yesterday she died.

Poetically, when I returned home, I checked the mailbox yet again only to find the finalization papers for my father’s estate as well. There is so much involved here that I don’t think I can even go into it. We (my sisters and I) have grounds to contest the estate but I don’t think we will…at least I know I won’t nor will my sister Kelly. There has been question all along whether Tracy will and it is not something Kelly and I can really talk to her about.  This is really another story for another long, long blog post and I will try to get to that soon.

So, I guess I should be thankful I only have to go to the Notary Public once to get it all signed and done. Early on when my mother became very ill, I had several people say to me, “Won’t you be glad when this is all done and you can get back to your normal life?” What they don’t understand is that it is never over and life is never normal again. It’s a different life that must go on; it’s just gotten a little smaller and a lot more complicated.

2010 – March 12

So here I am on March 12th. I’ve had to break down and take a Xanax this morning. I am so gut wrenched, trembling, rocks in the stomach nervous over the whole Facebook friending thing. It has been one week and the “awaiting friend request” is still hanging out there. I know for fact EC has been online because he has added other friends since. My best of friends (the ones I can trust with my life) tell me to get over it and just move on. But I can’t. I keep feeling I need to send another note requesting a “no harm, no foul” or ignore me or something. But that just makes me look even more crazy, doesn’t it? The terrible part is come next game, I’ll be right out there at the ball park with EC and his wife…after I take another Xanax. What’s the right thing to do???

Had lunch yesterday with to of my trusty girlfriends yesterday. Along with the above mentioned discussion, we had a great talk about loads of girl stuff. There is nothing better than sitting down with your girlfriends over a few drinks when everyone is loosened up and just hashing out all the topics we are afraid to discuss with anyone else. We talked about porn and our feelings about that. We talked about nudity. We talked about the beauty of the female body. I was happy to hear at least one other girl besides myself of course, can appreciate the female body and openly talk about it without having to feel like she is wrong! The other friend doesn’t understand it and thinks we are “off”. We certainly don’t think we’re lesbian but we feel there is nothing wrong with finding the female body sexy or attractive. I admitted my “girl crushes” (there are only three) and explained they are only a fantasy and not something I ever intend to pursue. I’m happy to announce I even have one guy friend (not present at this gathering) that will openly admit to a “man crush”. He is obviously comfortable enough in his sexuality and manhood to admit he can find another guy to be handsome.  My own husband even knows this stuff and he doesn’t seem bothered by it. I’m sure he’d love me to invite over another woman and watch! We just had some good, healthy talk.

Yeah. So my palms are still sweating over here and I’m still at a loss of what the hell I should do. And I don’t see many readers jumping in to read my blog so I guess I will continue to be baffled…unless I just go ahead and do something stupid again.

2010- March 8

I always seem to make things interesting for myself…but sometimes they are just a little more than I can handle. Gosh, I’m not even sure how to start this one since it does need a little history added to it to understand the “again” part. Let’s start here….

I do love to do some drinking. Sounds interesting already, doesn’t it? Well, at times, I can drink a bit too much and not remember what exactly I did while drinking. This often gets me into trouble with my husband. He likes to hold my behavior against me the next day even if what I did wasn’t really all that bad.  It’s really all about him having the upper hand,  a little something to bring me down a notch or two,  or something he can use to guilt me. And guess what? It always works. I digress…

I managed to polish off a bottle of red wine last Thursday evening while I was waiting for my husband to return from a business trip. I managed to get the kids up to bed and talk my way out of reading to them (because I couldn’t see the words clearly).  Since it was then “my time”, I did what I usually do and that was to get on Facebook. That would be mistake number one.  Now let’s back up just a tiny bit to understand how that led to mistake number two…

Ahhh, spring! Time again for baseball! Our son is involved in the city baseball league and we’ve made some great friends at the ball park. When the season gears up, we find ourselves spending lots of time at the ball park with practices and games but the best part is going out to eat after with all our friends. With my husband being out of town last week, the responsibility fell on me to get our son out to the practices.  I’m sitting on the bleachers looking around because there really isn’t much else to do; my one other mom friend didn’t come to any of the practices this week. Low and behold, I see a real “looker” dad on our team this year.  Yep. He’s definitely EC (eye candy… a sweet treat for the eyes). Is it me or is he staring my way too? Again. And again.  I gotta know who that is! My detective instincts kicked in. I hear him calling to his son and make mental note of the son’s name. When I get home, I look through our emails and find out the dad’s name.  Hmmm…I wonder if he’s on Facebook? Yep.  I bet you see where this one is going.

Now we return to the wine drinking Thursday night and my Facebooking… I somehow got it in my head that it would be a grand idea to send EC a friend request, you know, as long as I justify it with a note saying our kids play ball together. What the fuck was I thinking??? I wasn’t. Upon return to soberhood the next day, I look a little closer at his profile. He only has 20 friends, all of whom are co-workers and MEN except for one that is obviously his co-worker’s wife. He also has a church listed under his Pages section. Oh holy HELL! If his wife looks at his page and sees me in his friends list, how will that look??? What if he decides to ask my husband at the next practice why I’m friending him? The more I think about it all the more I start sweating and shaking and just freaking out. (rhetorical question here) So what do I do??? I try to make it right! Soberly. I go back on Facebook and use the Send Message feature and send EC the following:

Please feel free to ignore my request. In re-thinking the situation, I realize it is totally inappropriate. I apologize and must now go dig a hole deep enough to crawl into.

That was on Friday morning. As of Saturday at noon, no response but we had a practice game. I put my big girl panties on and went wearing my darkest sunglasses.

Upon my arrival, I see EC sitting on the bleachers. I’m scouring to see if someone I know is there for me to sit next to but I can’t find anyone. I look at the other side and notice my mom friend sitting there and realize EC is sitting on the bleachers for the wrong team. I did my best not to look over his way. I also had to introduce myself to his wife, our team mom. My paranoia had me feeling she was talking to another mom behind my back but she was quite friendly to me and made no mention of my stupidity. She even called over to EC trying to get him to come over to the right team’s side but he refused.

So here I am on the following Monday still sweating. The friend request is still dangling out there with no response. Did his Facebook send his emails to his home email? Did his wife get them and delete them? Does he just not check his email? Did I scare him so bad he’ll never touch Facebook again? Is he a Bible thumper? Holy crap. It’s gonna be a long baseball season.