2010 – My Hysterectomy and lessons for women having one


Let’s start this off from the very, very beginning. I’d been having problems with pelvic pain for years and every (female) doctor I’ve been to told me it was just how things are after having children. I bought that for many years, until I was having night sweats for 6 months, hot flashes, vertigo and my periods became quite irregular. It was time to seek help again. I decided I would pursue a GYN only physician instead of an OB doctor. OB doctors tend to be too busy to have time for my “problems”. In my research to find a GYN, I discovered most GYN docs are men…at least here anyway. I found one practice in particular that specialized in pelvic pain so I thought that would be a good start. The main doctor there was so overwhelmed with business, the practice was referring internally to another of their doctors that continues his regular small OB practice but specializes in pelvic pain also. I made my appointment and was able to get in within a matter of weeks.

On the first visit, the nurse took my vitals and a lengthy questionnaire I had completed for them at home. She also explained how the doctor would meet with me in his office WITH MY CLOTHES ON before doing the exam in another room after. That way (very smart), I’m not as scared, anxious, and nervous as I would be in the exam room. I like that. I do tend to pretty much clam up when I’m stripped naked, placed in a paper gown that opens in the front, put in an icy cold room on a table with my feet in stirrups on each side of me up by my hips, and I am given only a small paper sheet as my armour. That just does it every time for me. Go figure. I digress…

The nurse finished her portion and led me to his office where I sat at a small round conference table to await his arrival. Much to my surprise, Tom Cruise entered the room! Wearing a white lab coat! And his little name read… Oh GOD! This was MY doctor! Oh my GOD! Is it too late to leave yet?!??! Can I back out of this? Shit! I knew I was stuck so as he introduced himself, I shook his hand and introduced myself. **INTERJECTION** If you are a fella reading this, this is just about a girl’s WORST nightmare. The doctor is supposed to be a gray-haired old man that looks like somebody’s grandfather. Absolutely NOT someone in the least bit attractive. **END OF INTERJECTION** So, Dr. Tom Cruise is well trained at a caring but firm handshake, looking you in the eye, and responding to questions (no matter how stupid – and some WILL be stupid at this point because you are caught like a fucking deer in the headlights) with a response that puts you at ease and lets you know you have asked a good question that deserves an answer (even if it was STOOOOPID!) So although I was still embarrassed as HELL, I was feeling like he truly cared about my stooopid issues and wanted to help me. On to the exam room…. OH GOD!

Naked as a jay bird under my paper gown and sheet, Dr. Tom Cruise comes in accompanied by his nurse for the exam. He didn’t try to ask me a bunch of irrelevant questions about my kids sports and shit, like most doctors do right as they get that giant spotlight aimed directly at your good stuff.  He did what had to be done and kindly helped me sit up as discreetly as I could from such a position in an open-front paper gown and a tiny paper sheet. DONE! WHEW! He ordered me to have an ultrasound in the office and wanted to talk to me after.

No need for all the boring details of my fucked up organs here. As you well know, all this led to me having a laparoscopic hysterectomy (mostly partial but almost total).  Dr. Tom Cruise took the time to tell me what he found, what he thought should be done and gave me evidence to back it all up. His recommendation was a partial hysterectomy and he thought I should go home, talk it over with my husband, and let him know how I wanted to proceed. There were other options but none sounded very promising to me. Plus, I was ready to be done with Aunt Flo and send her packing once and for all.

LESSON#1: Ask for a RECENT photo of your doctor if that matters to you at all.

Almost a month later, I had my pre-surgery visit with his office and met with the nicest lady who explained how happy I would be after all this was over. Sweet lady about 60 years old. At that time, I chose to confide in her that my father died last June after a surgery and I’ve been a nervous wreck thinking about all this. She assured me that I was in the best of hands and had no need to worry but made note of my nervousness on my chart and asked that I also tell the pre-admit team for the hospital so the anesthesia doctor would know. And, being the kind lady she was, she said she had just the thing for me. She reached over into her file cabinet drawer and handed me a book called God’s Promises For Your Every Need. Damn it! I thought she was getting me a Valium or something! She didn’t know I was Agnostic. And it was very kind of her to think of me but God’s Promises didn’t do shit for my dad.

LESSON #2: If going to a devout Christian practice is going to be against your “grain”, you may want to investigate that as well. **This probably only applies if you are in the South.**

LESSON #3: Telling the nurses I was a nervous wreck will pay off later. Read on.

I arrive at the hospital on surgery day and of course, nothing runs quickly on surgery day. I’m left sitting, waiting, sweating, thinking, shaking my leg, wringing my hands until I get back to the holding room to prep for surgery. I met my nurse and answered a million questions about when I last ate, drank, pooed, etc. She started my lovely 1 inch diameter, pvc pipe IV. Then I met the anesthesia doctor. I love him. He had obviously read my NERVES section. Did I tell you that I love him?? He asked if I needed something to relax me. I paused and was unsure how to answer but then I said to myself, “Don’t be a fucking martyr! Take advantage of this situation while you can!” So I meekly told him, “I think so.” He winked at me and said he didn’t blame me and promptly returned with “good times” in a syringe and kindly injected it into my IV. I love him. Within seconds, I was much better. Dr. Tom Cruise then came in to talk about what we were doing there that day and mark my LEFT side although I didn’t really care as he held my hand tightly and assured me I would be fine. He then asked if he could pray with me. **INTERJECTION** My friends asked me what I was going to do if this happened. I explained that I don’t have any problems at all with other people praying for me or praying in general. God knows I need it. I just don’t think MINE work. And I was happy to have him pray if it made him feel better and by George, I want God in there with him as he cuts me open and removes my insides!! **END OF INTERJECTION** Dr. Tom Cruise said a very nice and to the point prayer asking God to guide his hands and be with him as he performed this surgery and to be with me and see to it I have a speedy recovery. Amen.

LESSON #4: If someone wants to pray for you, LET ‘EM! What the hell can it hurt?!??!

So the surgery was over after about an hour and a half and I was in my room with my new best friend, Morphine pump. I don’t recall being “high”, I just recall being so dad gum sleepy that I couldn’t hold my eyelids open. I slept and slept and slept. OH, also, the kind people at this hospital leave your catheter in until the day after surgery so you can relax and enjoy that Morphine pump at its fullest without having to worry about getting up to go to the bathroom and killing yourself stumbling! Now those are GOOD PEOPLE! The next day, they removed my catheter, removed my best friend Morphine pump, and gave me two Percocets to bring me back to reality, much against my will. But it wasn’t so bad. The worst part was the HUGE amount of gas in my body from the laparoscopic surgery. One last reassuring visit from Dr. Tom Cruise and I was on my way home.

I had done lots of talking with my husband about what all this would be like, the recovery time, how I wouldn’t be able to do ANYTHING for a week, no lifting, nada! He seemed to think it would all be alright. My step mother had been home with the kids and stayed one more night then was on her way Sunday afternoon.  Shortly after she was gone, I find my husband working out in the back yard while kids, not just mine but from all over the neighborhood, come and go from our house bugging the stew out of me. When he finally comes in, he has absolutely NO patience for them and seems completely overwhelmed by daily life. But yet, he still has time for a 40 minute relaxing shower, mind you. Here I am hobbling around doing the small things I can to make things work. Monday morning, I get my broken ass out of bed to help with getting the kids off to school (my husband never tried to stop me or said “Hey, I’ve got it!”). He had already made my daughter cry over a pair of fucking socks by the time I was up. Where was Dr. Tom Cruise??? I needed him! I needed him to hold my hand again and tell me it was ok and to go back to bed! I needed him to get my kids off to school! He should seriously consider starting a side line business charging his normal rate to come see about patients for two days after they return home! I would pay it! I would pay MORE!

LESSON #5: Have a long, long SERIOUS talk with your husband about the duties to be taken care of and if he is a big pussy or a self absorbed asshole like mine, CALL IN REINFORCEMENT TROOPS to handle the shit until you are well!!

I feel like I’ve been three rounds with Mike Tyson after he’s been instructed to only hit in the gut and that someone has removed nearly ALL my insides and I might cave in. I am thinking Dr. Tom Cruise might have put one of those LapBands on my stomach while he was in there! I am starving and want to eat so badly but when I eat even the smallest amount, I feel like my belly might burst open! I can’t even get a full breath yet because of the gas still trapped under my diaphragm. And I’m having a Morphine hangover that just won’t quit. I’m also pretty sure my hormones are all fucked up and wondering what the hell to do right now. I am quite certain it will all be worth it in the long run but keep all this in mind if you plan on having a hysterectomy ladies! Cause the dream is over when you leave the hospital and Dr. Tom Cruise is not coming for a house call.

P.S.  I did find a cute little “YES” written in purple marker on my left ovary area when I got home and looked at my deformed belly in the mirror.

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2 Comments

  1. lysecreations said,

    September 5, 2012 at 12:07 am

    Thank you for this post. I really needed to read all this and what I might have to look forward too. This really did help me. Thank you, thank uoi, thank you.


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