Shit, shit, everywhere!!!


When I signed on as a stay at home mom, I went to it full force! Cole was just an infant in his bassinet and I would be running the vacuum cleaner all around him. I mopped the floors, cleaned the toilets, and dusted weekly.  As Cole grew and began to fling toys all over, I would pick them all up at his nap time and put them in a basket. Things were neat and orderly. Then Ila came along. I couldn’t seem to clean it all up because they didn’t nap at the same times and if I put one thing up, one of them got something else out. It became overwhelming. One day, I decided that if they both napped at the same time, I would claim that as “ME” time. I spent it on the internet, reading email, or doing whatever I wanted to do even if it was not productive. I deserved it.

Over time, that has morphed into all “me” time and trying to force myself to occasionally pick up and clean. I find I am mostly putting away things that SOMEONE else has left lying around. And that irks me. And certain areas of my house have just become a dumping zone. *WARNING* I’m about to reveal things about my house I am not proud of. And I realize it makes me look bad. And if you decide to judge me….OH HELL! I don’t care! It is what it is. I do what I can and I’m happy. That’s really what matters. So, off we go!!! Hold on!!!

My Dining Room: This is the most useless room in my house. If I could convert it into a bigger laundry room and butler’s pantry, I would but that might mess up our resale someday. My kids come in from school and throw their backpacks on the dining room table along with their jackets and whatever else they are carrying. I often unpack their backpacks right there. School papers stack up, jackets are still on chairs, etc. Also, when I have something that should go in my kitchen but I don’t have room for it, GUILTY! I put it on the dining room table. Let’s take a look:

Holy CRAP! Right??? And this is the first thing people see when they enter my foyer. I hate it. But I hate going through all this shit and finding somewhere to put it even worse. So there lies artwork of my kids that needs to be framed, a stack of my mother’s cookbooks, an electric skillet, a broken lamp Luke put there for some ungodly reason, and my decorative candle centerpiece to “class it up”. And over in the corner of the dining room sits a window unit air conditioner and it’s box covered by the cushions that belong on our outdoor furniture. The cushions do go outside when it is not raining or people are coming over.

Yep. From two summers ago when our air conditioner went out. Don’t fault ME on that one because that bitch is too heavy for me to get back into the box and take to the basement. Moving on…

The Master Bath: How many times do I have to clean off Luke’s side of the counter? And the shit comes right back. I give up. Let it be all junked up and filthy. I can’t clean around all that shit! Observe:

Ok. I understand the hair product being there. I can even understand the bottle of Advil since he’s taking it pretty much every other day. But can he not empty the paper bag from the dentist visit two months ago? It only has one toothbrush, a sample of toothpaste, and one tiny sample of dental floss in it! Jiminy Cricket!!! His shaving kit is there from the trip he took a week and a half ago along with the open box of ALL his meds, two bags of Halls cough drops he hasn’t used in months, a stack of magazines he’s finished reading, a lint roller that is used up, and some hotel shampoos . Nope. Not gonna tackle that any time soon.

The Master Bedroom: Nothing sets the mood like a bunch of shit on your dresser! That’s what I always say.

Yes. Some of that is my doing. There are two cases of candy cigarettes I have moved and moved since my Birmingham Bombshell’s photo shoot on my 40th birthday. Who wants some candy cigarettes?!?!? I felt they were inappropriate to give to my kids. People might think ill of me. Like I care. And a couple of kids’ clothing items…brand new…that I couldn’t stomach giving to charity. Then there’s Luke’s shorts he only wore for a couple of hours after work one day and the military hat he brought home from his last sales meeting (week and a half ago)…you remember, the one he used his shaving kit for. And our family photos, again…to “class it up”.

The Kitchen Island: A constant mess. Every time I clean everything off, it stays that way for only a matter of hours.

Kids papers, magazines I will never have time to read, toys that have somehow made it into the kitchen, coupons I’ve clipped, huggies for our beer, the headphones that belong in the car but need batteries, a jelly belly tin, the squirt bottle to get after the cats when they try to get on the counter… If you can’t find something, it’s probably on here. If you need some workspace for your cooking endeavors, there is about a 12 inch square space on the other side. Great use of a kitchen island, huh?

And finally, The Living Room: This is only a small example. I really can’t show my whole living room and it varies from day to day. But today, there’s going to be tea at high noon.

Ila always has SOMETHING set up in the living room whether it’s a tea party or a fort for her stuffed animals built out of pillows. It’s a constant work of art. And there on the other end table is the glue stick cause you never know when you’re going to need to glue something pronto! Flash cards, reading glasses, the nail tool basket, some bracelets and the remnant of a pipe cleaner. It’s all there and ready!

So again, don’t judge! And please don’t call the producers of Hoarders. I know it’s a mess. But I’m happy, damn it!!!

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The Orchid


When my mother was living with us during her cancer treatment, my sister Tracy gave her two beautiful orchids. Mama had them prominently displayed on a shelf in her room so she could see them. She always had a green thumb with lots of plants everywhere in her condo. After the orchids quit blooming, she wasn’t able to get up and tend them anymore. One day, Mama asked me to clip off the blooming branches for her. She instructed me to clip them off at the base of the plant. I thought I’d read somewhere once that you should only clip them off a few notches down so I questioned her about that. In her (rightfully) ornery state, she insisted that I clip them at the base so I did as instructed. It wasn’t long after that Mama died. I have kept all her plants still in the window as she had them and I to tend them weekly, if not more. Those poor orchids just weren’t doing anything but keeping their leaves.  Being the internet researcher that I am, I went out to read up on them. From what I read, if you clip them at the base, they may not bloom again for years. I considered throwing them both out but the guilt just wouldn’t let me do it.

Several weeks ago, one of the orchids put out a new growth that looked a little different from the usual roots that are always popping out. So, I tied it to the stick that once held the healthy bloom stem. It continued to grow quite rapidly and I kept it tied to the stake. It started to get these little pods on it…I was still unsure if it was an actual bloom stem.

This Monday, I returned to tend things in her old room. And after nearly TWO years…

she blooms again.  For you, Tracy.